Monday, January 30, 2012

Tooth and Nail

I can't really say that I'm an envious person.

Maybe, I should elaborate a little. Lately, life has been like a muddy downhill slide. Like a really not fun steeple chase where it's nothing but cold, slogging mud, uphill both ways. I claw and claw my way upward making slow headway, but I'm still back sliding.  Or maybe a more accurate analogy for my anxiety would be careening down Alice's rabbit with no idea of a landing. Actually, it's all of the above. I'm clinging on for dear life and all the while life keeps falling out from under me. Depressing, right? Half the battle has been to keep my feelings above the fray and to not let my spirit get beaten down.

It is no surprise that I have taken to exercising like a fiend. The endorphins kind of relieve the stress, the exhaustion helps for the insomnia, and it is about the one thing I have control over. Yet, the chaos feels like too much. At what point do you just surrender to the crap storm and let things fall apart? Does the crest of that mud mountain ever come into view?

I keep telling myself to suck it up and do the best I can, but today is one of those days when it just feels too big. Tears are only one concerned person's look away. So to come to the realization that all of your coworkers can afford a nice, long and exotic vacation, it's kind of heartbreaking. It's not that I wish them ill, it just serves as a crushing reminder of your own bad luck and ill-formed decisions. If any family could use a nice reprieve from the norm, it would be us.

It's not envy of other people that I harbor, although that's what it feels like at first. It's more like a really big sadness. Frustration over why we never can seem to get our shit together. Anger over never reaching any of our small goals. Hurt that life has had nothing but lemons when we try SO DAMN HARD. More frustration because I can't ever figure out what we're doing wrong while everybody else keeps racing ahead of us. It's enough to make one want to throw their arms up in the air and just give up. I can completely understand why so many seemingly well-off people can just fall through the cracks. This is also why you won't see me judging those Occupiers - I understand their frustration.

At the end of the day, I just sigh and hope that maybe tomorrow doesn't feel so epic in the wrong kind of way. I move forward because, really, there's not much else you can do. And hopefully after a few more tomorrows, things finally get better.

Until then the trick is to just find the patience.

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