I think it has been the early turn in the weather this year that has made me especially introverted this fall. For some reason all of my inner thoughts keep going back into the past. I seem obsessed with all things old and instead of mourning the passing of summer’s bright hues, I have been embracing autumn’s somber browns.
I have been thinking of my grandmother who died a few years ago. I really miss her which is completely normal, I suppose. However, my feelings of loss have not waned, but have grown with time. I know much of it has to do with the fact that I now have my own little family and I know she would have absolutely loved them. She treated all of her children and grandchildren with the highest importance and she was never afraid to shower anyone with her affection. She truly was a positive being, a life force to which everyone gravitated. My grandpa is a strong and commanding man, but I think we all secretly knew that my grandmother was the one who really held the clan together. Which is why I think I have been in a slight state of melancholy for the past couple of weeks.
Autumn is the season when families hunker down together to face the coming cold. The holidays bring with them the promise of gatherings, feasts, and stories. The cold, brown weather ties the family together. But, not so much in my big family anymore. My grandmother’s absence feels as though the constant beating heart that made us one is gone. The annual trip home for the holidays doesn’t seem to be as important to some of the other family members anymore. The traditions that used to be ours and ours alone crumble away little by little with every passing year. It’s as though we as a large family are becoming just a memory, collecting dust on the mantle as family portraits do. I can’t help but wonder if this breaks my grandpa’s heart just a little bit on the inside. I know he would never say how he truly felt out loud, but sometimes I can’t help but notice his eyes seem sadder. His many children once seemed so close, now...Well. It’s just not the same.
I wonder if anyone else notices his sad eyes too.